I Love My Baby...Yep Yep

There are so many songs on the radio that are just purely brain washing to me, for instance the Busta Ryhmes song....I find myself constantly singing the hook everywhere I go for no damn apparent reason.... as a matter of a fact I just hummed it to myself right now as I was typing LOL...I'm always multi-tasking, what can I say :)

Well, lately I have been tied down with the usual my thoughts and auditions and just a few hours ago I completed a character sketch for a stage play that I was fortunate enough to get re-casted for that's previewing for some top-notch sponsors in ATL, GA (A Shameless Plug). However, by trying to develop the psychological character for this particular role it led me to do what I always do when I get somewhat of a Creative Block, which is read a book preferably by BELL HOOKS, who I absolutely admire, anyways she has this book called ALL ABOUT LOVE, which happens to be one of my most favorite subjects to discuss and one of my most difficult duties to sustain. In this book, which I am still reading by the way, she speaks of mourning that first love in one of her passages, so I automatically say to myself "Hey been there done that" you know but when I continued to read I realized that she spoke of a situation that was still lingering in me till this day...and didn't even know it...I myself was still mourning due to love. See my deepest fear is to lose...to lose those that I adore and cherish whether it be family, friend or lover and since I never really took the class on "The proper way to get over a heartbreak 101" I did what every other human being does...I surpressed it, looked forward and kept it moving or so I thought. The older I get the more I comprehend how impossible it is to go back and fix shit and that 9 times out of a 10 it's not even worth pondering on "how to fix" in the first place, thus this was my ultimate downfall or so I suppose.

Now that I am honestly admitting to the fact the I have been addicted to clinging onto my past I now understand that I can never go back and that I can only go forward. I wish I was wise enough at the time all this B.S. was going down but I guess it just gives life to the saying that Everythimg Happens for A Reason...I feel selfish at times for being so consumed with my own personal grief when I know that I am giving and receiving unconditional LOVE on a daily basis but it just messed with my mind so much that there was one person out there in the world who pretty much just didn't care to give me anything except a reason to keep extra Kleenex by my night stand...but I guess in the end it just gives evidence to the reasons on why I just adore Love which is it is never simple and if it was intially with my first love...I don't think I would be so appreciative and greatful for the LOVE I have in my life now. Here's to letting go and looking forward, Peace.